It's a good day to have a good day. Laugh more. Worry less. Do more of what makes you happy. Be the best version of you. Try and fail. Don't fail to try. Stay positive. Regret nothing. Work hard. Be humble. Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day. Live. Laugh. Love. Follow your dreams. Believe in yourself. Don't forget to be greater than awesome.

It finally hit me today. In just about three weeks, I will be moving to Santa Barbara. This never bothered me before, but it is starting to now. I am terrified, afraid, and vulnerable. I keep telling myself to be brave, be strong, and that everyone has to go through this phase at some point in his or her life. No matter how many times I try to counter my fears with those answers, I still have this sinking feeling in me. 

These fears finally wore me down to the point where I actually considered annihilation. Then I thought about my family and how disappointed they would be if I did go through with what I was thinking. They need me. I am the oldest. I am a role model. I can not let small things like that stop me from attending college. I know I put out a very tough front, but deep down, I am actually very weak and fragile. 

I only have one wish. I hope that this new, upcoming college experience will not change a single part of me. I will leave this way and come back the same. The same wonderful and whimsical person that I am. I know I will not go to parties. I know I will get into messy relationships. I just hope nothing at that school can change my mind. If my mind is set, then why am I so afraid? Am I afraid that something there might actually have the power to crack me open? Am I afraid that I will let the peer pressure get to me? To be honest, I am. As of now, I can only promise myself with words. I will truly find out the answer when I get there. 

I am an introvert. The good thing about this is that I probably choose to hide away in my room most of the time to “recharge” and this might just help me avoid the party scene. I also made a promise to myself and my family that I will not go anywhere else other than for class, work, and my room. I am confident in myself. 

The truth is I am also afraid of one more thing. I just hope and pray that I will not be a victim of anything. 

This was a nice rant. I do not what I would do without blogging. 

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I made a commitment this summer to write an entry everyday. I feel horrible that I failed. I hate it when others disappoint me in the same way, yet I do it as well. You have my word that I will start blogging about my feelings again. Well, here goes nothing. I have been thinking about myself a lot lately. I noticed that I changed a lot. The scariest thing is that I changed in a very horrifying way. The optimistic, innocent girl who loved life is not here anymore. The endless amount of kindness that flooded my heart suddenly just bled dry. I would watch as others suffer and simply choose to do nothing to help. I never felt more distant from myself.

"Like a piece of iron the world around me act as oxygen slowly, painfully rust me away…."  

I do not understand how I can be so different so fast. It is like I have not seen myself for months. 

Now that I reflected. I am going to strive for change. I want to be the kind of person who lights up a room with the beauty in her heart. I know I can do it. I will not give up no matter what. 

Anyways, now for my next worries. I will be going to UCSB in just a couple of weeks. I put out a very tough front, but to be honest, I am really afraid deep down. I feel lost. I do not know what to do. I feel like a child. I was assigned to dorm with Helen in Santa Catalina (aka the party dorm). I really do not want to be there, but I guess it’s too late now. Well, the worse case scenario is that I will not have any friends. That’s probably it. 

I WILL REFUSE TO GO TO ANY PARTY. I WILL REFUSE ANYTHING OFFERED TO ME THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE. I WILL ENTER AS A VIRGIN AND LEAVE AS ONE. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL LEAVE WITH MY SANITY. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WILL LEAVE WITH GOOD GRADES. I CAN DO THIS. I KNOW I CAN. 

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I think what we love about our life right now, is that we don’t know what’s going to happen. So we’re just sitting back and enjoying the journey.