It finally hit me today. In just about three weeks, I will be moving to Santa Barbara. This never bothered me before, but it is starting to now. I am terrified, afraid, and vulnerable. I keep telling myself to be brave, be strong, and that everyone has to go through this phase at some point in his or her life. No matter how many times I try to counter my fears with those answers, I still have this sinking feeling in me.
These fears finally wore me down to the point where I actually considered annihilation. Then I thought about my family and how disappointed they would be if I did go through with what I was thinking. They need me. I am the oldest. I am a role model. I can not let small things like that stop me from attending college. I know I put out a very tough front, but deep down, I am actually very weak and fragile.
I only have one wish. I hope that this new, upcoming college experience will not change a single part of me. I will leave this way and come back the same. The same wonderful and whimsical person that I am. I know I will not go to parties. I know I will get into messy relationships. I just hope nothing at that school can change my mind. If my mind is set, then why am I so afraid? Am I afraid that something there might actually have the power to crack me open? Am I afraid that I will let the peer pressure get to me? To be honest, I am. As of now, I can only promise myself with words. I will truly find out the answer when I get there.
I am an introvert. The good thing about this is that I probably choose to hide away in my room most of the time to “recharge” and this might just help me avoid the party scene. I also made a promise to myself and my family that I will not go anywhere else other than for class, work, and my room. I am confident in myself.
The truth is I am also afraid of one more thing. I just hope and pray that I will not be a victim of anything.
This was a nice rant. I do not what I would do without blogging.