For the past couple of days, I have been working. Unfortunately, I might have simplified the whole “working” idea in my imagination. Disgruntled managers always picking on employees (new ones like me), bonded workers who prefer to exclude me, and low pay for slave labor work are all just the beginning of my rant. I am horribly confused at the moment. Suddenly, out of nowhere I found a can of existential crisis to explode leaving an empty void in my soul. I always knew that I am a terribly emotionally needy person, but only a small number of people know this about me, not including my own parents. It is quite disappointing that my very own mother does not know this about me. After dealing with such a painful job, I often become emotionally unstable because I hate this more than anything else that I have been disgusted with in my life. I do not quite understand why, but it just is. Alright, back to my existential crisis. I do not know whether the emptiness had been building itself for awhile now or now, but I just know that now I am now suffering. I am in desperate need of getting out of the void. I feel lonely, scared, and very very vulnerable. My mother fails to see the emotionally needy part of me and constantly neglects me only to talk about herself. I used to only be annoyed with that, but now I am in such a vulnerable state that I can not just receive that anymore. I need words of comfort. I need help. I need to get out. I don’t know how. I am never happy. Help.
I am rebooting my journal entries online again, and I am going to try to maintain this for the next four years of my life. Hopefully, I can do it. My high school graduation was just a day ago. I was so shocked that it was so hard for me to cry right after graduation. I could not force myself to miss Mark Keppel at all. There were too many things that disappointed me at that school. Failed crushes. Failed friendships. Failed expectations. I was just happy that I got out that school alive. The school emotionally and physically could not satisfy me. There occasionally some moments where I genuinely felt bliss, but the bad overshadow the good too frequently. I only look forward to my future ahead of me and just want to drop everything about Mark Keppel behind. I intend to do my best to fulfill certain goals that I have in mind for the next few years. I intend to participate in beauty pageants. I intend to transfer out of UCSB to go the schools of my dreams. I intend to learn just about everything. I want to reach the stars. I can finally drop the heavy luggage and just start running.